Sometimes I feel like I am waiting for something to happen.......for lightening to strike. To feel alive again with anticipation and excitement. For something or someone to bring to my life a sense of the miraculous!! I feel dull and like the shine has left my eyes for a moment. That I am a brittle, dry leaf from Autumn that is still clinging to the branch waiting to fall. My life has become a series of battles within and without, rising and falling with each wracking breath I take wondering if I can possibly endure the next blow to my heart, to my life. At least the lightening as destructive as it can possibly be would illuminate the darkness that I feel in this moment. This moment that feels without hope and dormant like the winter like the plants underneath the snow waiting for when they can take their first breath and feel the sunshine on their faces and know that the Divine has not forgotten them. That the Divine has not forgotten me. That I am still loved and cherished for being the unique beautiful child that was running in your Elysian fields before this incarnation. Where is the light and the hope that always seems to be shining on me? It seems to have gone out like the stub of a candle that winks and dies. My light feels fragile and flickering, threatening to go out. I need to know that I am not alone and yet as much as I know this intellectually and tell my friends and clients this sometimes I have a hard time finding it for myself. When the heart feels ripped from it's self, lost to the pain of discord it yearns to feel close to the fire that ignites and fuels it's energy. How can I again feel the fire of love and life? The anticipation of the touch of a lovers hand is as intrinsic to the heart as any jewel found on this earth. I am lost to the pain in this moment and lost to hope that I may find that again. That I am loved by someone and that I am thought of in the moments during a busy work day. That I am worth the effort of figuring out how I fit into someones life. That I am important and not just something to be brushed to the side or put on a shelf to take out on another day or forever on the back burner of someones life where more important priorities take precedent. How does one move forward when they have been taken for granted and never really cherished? How do I find this for myself? How do I remember the shiny and beautiful woman I used to be before I lost myself to the harshness of indifference or as a casualty to someone else's imperfect and tragic life. This moment is dark and frightening but I know that even as I admit the pain and see the darkness surrounding me like a shroud that I am perhaps just in a cocoon waiting for that sunny spring day where I can emerge into the light as the once again beautiful being flying in the sunshine feeling my heart soar up to the sky. When I can have gratitude for this beautiful life. But for right now I am wrapped up in the darkness of my own life's tragic endings. And as I wait for what is next I can let the moments slip by and feel the loss of what I hoped could be a happy ending. Sometimes the prince forgets where the princess is laying or that she is even asleep or maybe that their presence is even important. So while I am sleeping I will dream of my prince, the one who will be there right at the right moment and take me by surprise. That I will feel again the joy of love and hope in the eyes of the man who sees me as the one who could be their life, their love, their hope and they could be mine. Life is meant to be shared, I have always felt this and someday I hope to share it with someone who is meant to be there.
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