Peace and blessings,
AnnKathleen aka Anne of Green Gables
As a little girl I lived in the magical world of characters from the books I read and the realm of the imagination. My life simply was an extension of my connection to my very vivid imagination that created a world that was much more palatable to me then the world adults lived in or even still live in. Magic to me is liquid elixirs that sustain life or make someone fall in love with someone else or bring someone back from a deep sleep induced by a curse. It is the sighting of the white stag seen only in the deep of winter on the most stormy of nights. It is the circle of fairies that fly with lightening bugs on a dark moon in the grove of oak trees on a summers evening. It is the endless hope that good will overcome evil that the hero or heroine of the story does have vindication over all that was in the way of their happiness. In other words magic is the palpable feeling that something else besides us is helping us to find our way through the darkest of nights within our minds. And that there isn't a practical explanation for the white feather that lands on your hand as you sit contemplating if angels are real. It is the actual hand of spirit touching your face and lifting the hair that has fallen in front of your eyes as you bend your head to cry that deep wrenching sob that grabs your soul and squeezes it until you are lost in the throes of pain and see nothing but the loss. We are not alone, even if we do not see or hear or feel the presence of magical hands comforting us whispered words of encouragement and endless love energy washing over us as we navigate the pain in our hearts. And what I like most about magic is the subtle way it draws us back into the world of our imaginations and creates a feeling of hope and even excitement for the future being beautiful and sunny in the field where fairies are running and flitting from flower to flower. Where angels are in the sky writing poems to us using the clouds to form our favorite creations. When we feel and when we despair the rain is a temporary situation and then the sun comes out and leads us to the quiet place of harmony that resides within our hearts. Our heads can imagine again the tropical island where guitars play and drums keep rhythm with the breezes in the coconut trees and we are feeling the warmth of the night playing on the waves of the ocean. Or where we are the star of our own amazing show where we show up in dazzling colors and sing our songs from our hearts and get that standing ovation. Or we can also bring the world into our imaginations and create peace in war torn places where the children have laughter once again in their eyes and have all they need to eat and drink. Or enemies suddenly see the humanness in each other and find common ground through the eyes of love. The imagination and magic is a powerful catalyst for change my friends. It can create something where before there was nothing. It can bring us back to a childhood where a very silly bear and his side kick piglet go for a walk in the forest to speak to a very wise owl. Anything is possible in the world of imagination. And what I feel is the most magical thing of all is love and its powerful force for change. When we remember to love each other and stay in that place and forgo judgement and anger we can find common ground where we each find redemption in the truth. And if we are not embraced by another in our truth expressed with love then we can walk away knowing we stood in the magic of peace and honesty. And we can embrace the hearts and bodies of those who love us as we are, and feel the loving energy that emanates from the magical world of Spirit that holds us in that beautiful place of unconditional love and optimism that we will find that oasis within that will bring our deepest selves to peace and joy. Have faith in your magical imagination my friends, fly with Peter Pan for a moment and visit Neverland and remember who you are as a fierce lost boy, or the Tiger Lily that lives in your hearts. And find your way through the "reality" that has created a concrete wall around your heart and mind and find the song of the whales that will create a crack in that wall and allow the rushing of the waters to surround and soothe your heart back to itself. We are the story tellers of our lives so weave a good story that has lots of magic in it and places of pure joy from the heart of your soul. And make sure you share your story with others so they will feel brave enough to share their own.
Peace and blessings,
AnnKathleen aka Anne of Green Gables
Joy is the enlivening feeling of happiness and exuberance at what ever is showing up in our lives. That feeling of perfect synchronicity and electricity where you feel like a super hero and just saved the day!! I have not really been feeling this way lately and yet my beautiful nature spirits that live in my backyard recently sent a sweet little Goldfinch flying into my life. He has been landing on the branches of the potato vine right outside my dining room window. He flies in and flits from branch to branch speaking to me in his beautiful golden way that life is to be enjoyed and that having fun is part of the experience. After looking up the animal totem meaning I paused and thought I really need to practice what I preach and create a pathway to joy and now!! This is not always easy especially since business has been slow and an event I planned a week in preparation for brought only a couple of guests and on and on and on.......Well truly from one narrow perspective one might say that I am justified in my disgruntlement but on the other hand I really enjoyed creating all the beautiful elements for the event and had a quiet afternoon in a very clean house and chatted with a lovely young woman who is the niece of a very good friend who is just really blossoming into a creative and wonderful person. This brought me such joy to see her growing into her own!! And my client, who came, received the messages she needed to continue moving forward in a positive way in her life so I felt grateful to be part of that healing process for her. So because there were not throngs of people and cash flowing from the spigot of an extremely busy day working I got to sit and enjoy my day in a relaxed, calm and rejuvenating manner. And the next day I had a gathering of friends who study Rudolf Steiner's work and we all enjoyed the left overs from the previous day and we had a beautiful time!! So just shifting my gaze from one focus to another I realize that the perfect outcome occurred. Sometimes the very thing we need most is what Spirit provides us!! And if we can trust and let go of the pictures of how we think it was supposed to happen and accept what did, we can even find that the most perfect outcome was realized. So joy really is a choice like happiness and as the Buddha says "There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way." So how do we continue to refocus ourselves towards the joy, towards our most positive selves? I have found that paying attention to subtle messages that come to me is a great way to shift from a negative perspective to a positive one. Like noticing this new brilliant yellow bird suddenly arriving in my yard. I just knew it was a message as birds are often messengers in my life. So what do you notice in your life?? Sometimes I have noticed a bumper sticker that says the most perfect thing and I thank Spirit for placing that message right on that car in front of me. Spirit is always helping through our own angels and guides that are always steering us towards our highest good and ultimately to lighten up and enjoy our time as physical bodies on this beautiful planet we call home. So take the time to notice and pay attention to the seemingly random messages that you see or even over hear in a conversation next to you in line at the bank or grocery store! Keeping our ears and eyes open to receive and to be grateful we have these wonderful unseen friends who support us in our lives, to me, is completely comforting. I am not alone. And the way connections are made are not just random. We may think we are the only architects in the creations of our lives but we are co-creators and sometimes we are in the back seat while Spirit lets us rest in the passenger seat. So mom (Spirit), where are we going next?? It is nice to take a rest and look out at the scenery going by as we are taken to the right place at the right time to meet the right people and see the pathways open up!! They pay attention to our every need even if we don't. Thank you Spirit friends who help me everyday and bring me everything I need when ever I ask and I will prepare myself to receive it!! Life is a joyful ride please share a story about how joy is entering your life with someone today and watch the joy spread like a ripple in a pond:)
Art of Alchemy
I am taking some time off, away from the everyday fray of city life, spending a few days with my parents in the Santa Ynez Valley out in the country on the five acres surrounding their home. I love taking walks up the road as the views of the canyons and the vistas of the valley beyond are breathtaking and relaxing to the mind and exhilarating to the body. The wind is always blowing up through the canyons to the top where the road is and brings hawks swooping up on the air currents and then floating down. The whole experience was taking me out of my reverie of the mundane that happens while living in a city. The constant cars, ambulances and police sirens that blend with the cacophony of leaf blowers and lawn mowers in the neighborhood where I live can be unnerving and disturbing. And although I love my backyard with my Sam dog where for the most part it can be quiet at times, there is nothing like the sounds of a rural area with the multitude of bird song and scurrying of small creatures foraging for food and tending their homes underground. And it was the latter that surprised me on my walk and gave me pause. As I was stopping to take a drink of water about 50 feet in front of me I watched as a coyote came up over the ridge, crossed the road and heading down the other side. I was transfixed as I watched this quiet stealthy creature trot along his way not even noticing me as I was down wind. It was both exciting and a bit scary as I was so close to a wild animal that was a predator. I put the cap back on my water bottle and proceeded up the road and stopped where he had crossed and I moved to the edge where he had proceeded down the canyon and finally my eyes rested on him almost at the bottom where he was sniffing around and then turned and looked up to see me looking at him. We both watched each other for awhile then he turned and trotted up the side of the hill and then turned again to see if I was still there. I continued to watch him for a time and finally he turned again and slipped silently into a grove of oak trees and disappeared. I released the breath I was holding and felt an internal sigh of appreciation for the gift of seeing this part of the wild world that I do not often see or engage in a moment of watching. I proceeded on my way up the road and then eventually turned around and headed back to my parent’s house. But it was as I was hiking down this old road that I realized that I was on the road but the coyote had crossed it and had proceeded on his own path. He had come up the canyon from below crossed the road and then headed down the other side. The road wasn’t really a part of his path at all. I thought about this as I safely walked along this road and suddenly saw that witnessing this wild creature make his own path that perhaps he had taken many times before albeit slightly different each time as the exact path was not evident, was riveting to me. Here I was taking this safe path on the road and here he was crossing it on his own path. How many times do we as humans take the paths that are set before us and stay safely within the boundaries of this confining and sometimes restricting direction. The coyote was not daunted by a path that was undefined or perhaps it was defined by something I could not see with my limited perception. Perhaps he smelled the path or saw subtle signs that his pack had traveled through that canyon before? What ever the case here he was and here I was. The difference evident in the chosen paths we were taking. I see the message from nature as a clear call to not always trust the safe road but to take a chance on blazing a trail of our own. Using our innate nature, our wild side to assist us in making a true decision based on internal gut instincts can be the best way to change our life course for the better. When we ignore blindly traveling a road that is not our own we limit the possibilities of deeply connecting to what is best for us. When we listen to the subtle callings of our soul and our deepest selves we find that the safety of the road before us may be the very dismantling of our dreams. The coyote was following an innate path made by following his instincts and perceptions of knowing what he needed. Where can we make changes in our paths by tuning into the very instinct to follow our dreams and the callings of our soul? Perhaps the way before us can be found by going off course a bit, hiking down the canyon and crossing over the stream and by finding a new way to move along our life path. I will be forever thankful to coyote for showing me that life does not always need to follow a designated path and that I can trust myself to blaze a trail through unknown territory to find the best and even safest direction that will bring me to my hearts destination. Life is an amazing gift too precious to always relegate to the path that is made by someone else. Take a chance my friends, trust your gut and make the choice to do that which is pleasing to the wild nature of your heart!!
Blessings on your way!!
Mistress of Alchemy
Happy New Year beautiful souls!! It has been awhile since I have written and I realized that life was moving along and my days have been devoted to tasks, such as keeping this business alive, paying my bills on time, making meals for my son and I etc. The latter which entailed grocery shopping then coming home and putting it all away and then doing the dishes before the creation of the meal. And also cleaning the house so I could receive clients and students when they came to my classes. Whew! This has been my focus and contemplation has not been a huge theme lately of which I am hugely grateful. I had so much to contemplate last year as I was dealing with a very broken person in my life who was taking up a large part of it, by my choice, and when that ended I was clearing out and taking inventory of what I had learned and moving through the emotional pain but then it was like the storm cleared and the weather of my life got really calm and everything settled into a routine. The climate of my mind calmed and the consistent temperatures of moderate warmth and soft clouds that float by became the new norm. I am a much more calm seas of life girl than a stormy and big swells kind of girl. So here I am at the beginning of this new year and I feel like the proverbial elementary school student with new shoes and a new lunch pail ready for the first day of school. The first week of January was spent in bed nursing a head cold and much rest was had and lots of novel reading. It wasn't all bad but I am so grateful to be able to breathe out of my nose again!! So as I write this my attention is brought to the profound question of what is this year about? What am I to focus on? What shiny and bright opportunities are going to show up for me? I am ready for some great new themes in my life!! How about a slew of new clients, satisfied and profoundly grateful for my insight and help? How about some vacations to well loved places? Yosemite comes to mind this summer. How about new ways to expand on my ideas about how to reach people with my thoughts about all things metaphysical? Maybe a store is in the future?? I can think of a million and one ways to enjoy this coming year and find the prospect exciting. I feel like a new lease on this old life has been given to me. That new growth on this beloved tree I call my life is coming. I am anticipating the new and glorious paths I will take and all the new adventures I will have. Do you feel this way?? If not then maybe I could help you find a way to feel hopeful about your new year? I am more than happy to help you navigate what might be in the way! You see most of what we want is already inside of us and it is simply a process of excavating the sad and angry emotions or the voices of judgement that we are not worthy, or that good things don't happen for us. These voices just need to be heard and then patted on the head and told to shush and relax as you have all this newness in hand and will create a wonderful path to the joy that is within!! Because we all know that the way to experience the world outside as beautiful and amazing is simply to reflect this same things from the inside out. So clear out your inner attic critic and basement judge. Tell them to take a break and let the inner fool and cheerleader speak for once. Then let them rip!! Take that leap and let your inner voice cheer you on as you fly through the air. The trip to never-land is as simple as thinking happy thoughts and a little sprinkling of pixie dust then woosh.....off you go to that new adventure of finding the magic in your life. Because life is magic, I promise you!! Everyday miracles are happening and people are experiencing them in their lives, why not you?? I for one want to see you soar into the atmosphere of what is possible in your life. Find the most amazing scene you have yet to audition for on the stage of life and go for it!! What does your heart seek to accomplish this year? What does your mind's eye see for you? What does your body seek to move towards? So much to contemplate or not as you see fit.....maybe just buy that ticket and get on the train to where ever you want to go.....don't wait for the stars to align, they just did!! You are ready for this just trust yourself and when you get to where you are going don't forget to send a postcard!! I am here for you when you are ready to embark on your new life. I am waiting just on the other side of your tomorrow.....call me and see what is possible!!
Many blessings to you and yours!! Happy New Year beautiful souls!!
AnnKathleen, Mistress of Alchemy
Sunny and quiet afternoons in October bring me such peace. I find myself dreaming and breathing in the amazing light as if I am storing it in my soul for the long dark winter days ahead. The light is truly different in the month of October than any other month, it is thick like liquid gold and pours itself onto the trees and buildings like molasses. I feel like I want to curl up with a good book and drink a hot cup of tea and enjoy each languishing moment, cherish it like a lovers caress. These days of halcyon warmth and crispness in the evenings and mornings is truly my favorite time of the year. The feeling is inviting us to rest and store up the warmth so when we are feeling the cold we can remember these days and feel internal warmth from memory. One of my favorite Fall children's books is Frederick by Leo Lionni about a mouse who is unusual and has unique habits unlike the other mice.
"While the other field mice work to gather grain and nuts for winter, Frederick sits on a sunny rock by himself. “I gather sun rays for the cold dark winter days,” he tells them. Another day he gathers “colors,” and then “words.” And when the food runs out, it is Frederick, the dreamer and poet, whose endless store of supplies warms the hearts of his fellow mice, and feeds their spirits during the darkest winter days."
I love the idea of what he is gathering and I have always felt this same need to pay attention to the moments in these fall afternoons that call me towards the quiet messages in the trees and the plants that are slowly going to sleep. Nature's pace slows down and time seems suspended. Poetry naturally flows on days like these. But gathering these kinds of esoteric things seems lost on our hurried modern life. But I think the mice that are gathering nuts and seeds hurrying to and fro that are watching Frederick just sitting around thinking he is doing nothing are like the people who are constantly busy thinking they are accomplishing more than the individual contemplating each moment. When we sync up with nature's pace and feel the pull towards the slowing down we are not only honoring the season but our place in it. Flu and cold season, as it has become called, is nothing more than the bodies response to a summer's pace in Fall and Winter. The body is telling you to slow down but when we do not listen the immune system is not up to tackling the illness and makes us stop and we end up doing the exact thing we could have done on our own, sit and read a book or stop and go home early to watch the leaves move in the silent breezes and fall gently to the earth. So as you attune yourself to the pace of this beautiful time of year and slow your pace you will also be gathering in the necessary things to get you through the winter days. Then you can truly begin to become part of the season in all ways and feel connected to the natural world which in turn will create a stock pile of energy to assist you when it is colder and darker. Although this sounds so simple so many people resist this and end up getting very ill. To sit still and think about ones life and place is frightening to some and yet it is the very thing this time of year calls us to do. Go inward it whispers, go inward. And when we do, we find a lovely flame that lives in us and is the reflection of the Sun in our outer world. We are the sunshine and the rain and the wind. We are part of all of it. So as you read this and feel the sunshine melting on your skin and warming you within know that you are a part of everything in your life. Nothing exists outside of your witnessing. If you want to change something then change you!! Change your pace and your beliefs and your circumstances .......change your lives by sitting still and letting go. Go within and feel the dormancy of this coming season of darkness, let yourself incubate with the stirrings of new ideas like so many seeds buried deep in the earth waiting until Spring to be born. Enjoy the peace and tranquility of this time where we get to curl up like a cat on the window sill and cease our hurried lives to take a nap in the warm sunshine. Enjoy slowing down and have faith that when you need to get something done you will have the reserve now built up to complete those tasks. For now I am going home and curl up on my comfy chair and sip on a cup of black tea and look at my favorite magazine, Victoria. What are you going to do this afternoon??
Autumn Blessings to all,
Autumn brings her beautiful multicolored coat to nature and presents it as an offering to help us all adjust to the colder temperatures and the impending winter tide. In the brilliance of an afternoon in fall we can feel the silence in the translucent light that makes everything look golden, soft and sleepy. I experience the beautiful feeling of a giant inward sigh followed by a relaxing of all the muscles in my body responding to the idea that it is ok to slow down and pause, to let the season have it's way with me and move inward towards the light inside my soul. Experiencing the light within is my favorite way to spend an afternoon in Autumn, to explore the nature of thought vs. feeling and to notice the sense of growth that has found it's fruition in my mind and heart. I am grateful for this time of year to feel the bounty in my life and the ripening of my experience. I find that while as a metaphysician I am often in solitude it seems even more so during the fall.....a calling of sorts to a silence within to a noticing of larger and longer pauses in my day where I am day dreaming.....listening to what the season wants to tell me about my life and what I have learned and what more there is to work on. The Autumn tide is the beautiful maturity of summer that is offering all the cornucopia of fruits and vegetables to us as so much sustenance to the body and enjoyment to the soul carrying us into the cold and dark of winter. I am especially thankful for the figs hanging on my tree that are holding the sunshine of summer and all the golden glow of that season in it's small blackish brown skin and internal light colored flesh with flecks of pink. I so enjoy the burst of flavor each one produces in my mouth when I take a bite. The sweetness is warm and satisfying to the palate, like no other fruit that is ripe at this time of year!! As we enjoy the apples, pumpkins, squash and walnuts that are falling from the trees and begin the journey towards a darker time and more internal activities may we give thanks to the season that prepared us. And as we slow down and notice our own rhythms in sync with the earlier nights and shorter days I hope you all enjoy a moment to sit with a cup of tea in the afternoon musing about the wonderful summer days enjoyed and the prospect of joyous times ahead in the winter where we can celebrate and enjoy friends and family in the closeness of our homes and warming ourselves by the hearth or fire pit. Harvest is here lets all celebrate and remember the beauty that nature has brought us through the summer!! Hail Autumn in all your splendor!!
Spirit calls us forth today to shine as a beacon of light while also balancing and understanding the darkness within us. Light and dark, peace and turmoil, growth and death, endings and beginnings, the more I explore my own inner landscape I see the need for balance and acknowledgment of both sides of myself as well as the other parts that contain a little of both. The complexities of being a piece of the Divine Creative Spark within this corporeal body are great and subtle. Even though we strive to understand the motivations within our desires and rummage through our past lives like so much history stored in large and dusty books on the shelves of our unconscious we fall short sometimes in our embracing of peace. When this happens to me I am more inclined to tell the truth of what I feel inside to myself than I ever have before in my life. This way of truth telling is powerful and illuminating, like shining a flashlight into the darkest places in the forests of our minds where potential beasts live and devour our innocence. When I am feeling angry towards a situation, person or circumstance in my life I navigate the intricacies of emotion and find the truth within the feeling itself. Even if I am aware that I am blaming someone for the way I feel, or a circumstance for an unsatisfactory experience I am shedding the cloak of guilt trading this for baring my soul to myself and through tears or feelings of failure I can keep moving forward towards the inner light that never fades nor diminishes its divine golden cast on my truth. As long as I continue to wander the forest moving towards the light as a beacon within the darkness I can pick up valuable items of truth along the way like so much treasure to keep with me and retain when I do find the resolve and peace of the light. These items found in the darkness I feel are similar to the Littlest Angel's box of earthly treasures he wishes to see again while he is in heaven. Even though he is enjoying his time in heaven and all the beauty and love it contains he longs to see the bits and pieces he collected when he was in a boy on the earth. I feel that those pieces are the treasures we find in our own dark places within that have an intrinsic value and meaning to us alone. How can we continue to explore with bravery the inner world even if the scariest of monsters live there and even if we find that they wear the face we find in the mirror of others that reflects our own inadequacies or what we think are the ugliest parts of ourselves? This is the hardest part of living on this planet and learning the ways of the heart and soul through these lifetimes. Place yourself in the Divines hands and follow the lead of Spirit and take a walk within yourself and see what treasures can be found in the forest of your own mind. Collect these realizations and put them in a box in your mind to recall with love and care the lessons learned and the forgiveness you extend to that part of yourself and understand that the reflection in someone else's eyes was only a facade that was there to teach you something about yourself. So my dears what did you learn looking into their eyes?? To love or hate yourself? To understand the truth of what was? To trust yourself or not? Whatever it was put it in your collection box and hold it to your heart as it is treasure with which you will return to with love and understanding someday. Be gentle with yourselves and love deeply what you are and the emanation that you have created this time around! Shine brightly for someone else even if they do not know how to return the light but carry away their own light away from you. The love and light within you never diminished and never went away.
Love and light and blessings to all of you!!
It is within the moments where one is at peace alone that loneliness becomes solitude. When we sit in a quiet and beautiful place and we feel the richness of nature all around us that we begin to feel a coming home to ourselves. We are no longer looking outside of ourselves feeling the distraction of acceptance or approval from others. There is only ourselves and the tranquility of a pond, waterfall or the ocean and in that moment we understand the pure reality of being. This is what I feel Henry David Thoreau was inviting us to understand and that he experienced with his time at Walden Pond. Each one of us has a place that invokes a sense of the miraculous in our lives through the simplicity of being at one with that natural surrounding. My Walden I have discovered is more than one location for me. It is in my backyard and the vegetable garden, my fathers flower garden, my mothers herb garden. It is in the memory of my grandmothers backyard with the beauty she created with her hands and heart. My Walden Pond is also in my heart and soul where I plant the garden of my life. Here I can sit in tranquility and peace knowing that I can always plant new seeds and nurture them with the sunshine of my ideas and the water of my tears. Here I can rest and rejuvenate from the daily challenges of life, recover from it's bumps and bruises. I can watch the butterflies and hummingbirds lazily fly from one flower to another creating an aerial dance worthy of the most adept of ballerinas. In the silence of my mind I can see clearly all the beauty of my life, it's complexities, the nuances of growth and maturity, even the acceptance of difficulties and sorrows, I can embrace the totality of my life not just the pieces and parts I recognize as joyful and playful but the depths of the shadows where the light plays at peaking through the leaves deep in the darkest of forests in my mind. It is in these moments where I find that I recognize the truest form of myself. The most perfect form of imperfections. The beautiful and the ugly, the peaceful and the angry, the light and the dark. And in this knowing and feeling I am whole. To know ones self in the quietest of moments is to know the whole self without denial of one part or another. And where we see the truth that we are all a part of each other and not separate but connected through the reality of being created by the One, the ultimate creative force in the Universe. That all of creation is within us that we can not say of anything that it is not us, we can not claim something as something without having a resonance with and an identification with all of it. It is with this realization that we become quiet with the enormity of how small a part of this giant Multi-verse we are and how within the uniqueness that is us we see that we are only a microcosm of the macrocosm. The very beauty we exhibit and the amazing souls that live within us are a reflection of and a reminder of the very soul who birthed us. We are all a part of the whole beating heart of the consciousness of the One. So in the course of your day, as you travel the highways and byways of life and feel the smallness of your existence and the separateness of your life with another's know that you are a precious and important part of this world and all versions of it as well. Your place of belonging is within the reality of your own Walden, your own recognition of the importance of your place within the cogs and wheels of this lifetime and all those who are here as well. And that in this truth is a love and beauty that is all around you and you can be at peace and go forth in love and gratitude.
It isn't often that I find the type of peace and tranquility that stays with me for a very long time, however when I find a version that has some longevity I am grateful. It has been awhile since I have had the where-with-all to put words down in a string of sentences that would be uplifting or helpful lately. And yet today I am sitting outside in my back yard with my dog lying in the grass and my garden to the right of the picnic table where I have laid my laptop and I am truly feeling the appreciation that warrants a few moments of written words strung together in a few sentences to hopefully bring smiles to a few of your faces. I find that lately life is a series of puzzles and word games that I am to ponder if I am to understand the current events in my life. These puzzles are not the type that the mind can figure out but are directly related to my heart and soul. The type of content that grips you and says you must learn this lesson and find a way through the darkness so you can be free. These are the moments I dread as they have the unfavorable taste of loss and the grief that accompanies the departure of someone I have loved. Someone who felt like family but upon closer inspection was only a facade made to look like someone who could have been there for the long haul and had integrity. Someone who could have seen the real me who truly loved them without condition and had valued this gift in their life. However the actual situation was one of loving a self serving and narcissistic personality, someone whom I could never receive love from because they never loved themselves and had nothing to give. The sadness of realizing this and the truth of these circumstances was devastating. SO what now says my heart and soul?? What are you going to do with this?? I have forgiven this person at least a dozen times and still I find a level of sadness and anger that is still contained within me. This darkness is part of me now.....as Debbie Ford says in her book The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, we must embrace all parts of ourselves to be whole. So it is that I will embrace this, that I will always love and feel a sense of loss and resentment towards this person who entered my life and said a lot of lovely things and yet did not have the ability to back them up with true action. They presented a picture of themselves that was a version they created but not the real whole person.....and when they wanted to be someone else they created a new version and found someone else who fit with that image. I have never quite been so mislead in all my life and my trust and ability to bounce back has been severely compromised. How does one recover from a deep love that was so misplaced and mislead? How can the deception of such a soul be resolved when so much hurt was inflicted and intentions maligned? To recover from such emotional abuse has been a task of monumental proportions. And accessing my darker nature has been necessary to create the boundaries necessary to keep myself protected from further deterioration of my soul's love and trust. So at this point I am sure some of you are wondering where is the part where I get to smile?? Where is the silver lining and the clouds lifting to let in the sunshine?? Well I ask myself this same question and it actually is something simple......the wind blowing in the trees behind me, the soft warmth of this Spring day. The beauty of this moment and the quiet truth in my heart of hearts that says this other soul actually did the best they could.......that through it all they did bring down some walls and let me see their true selves bared in moments of painful sharing where they felt broken and afraid. These were the moments where he showed me a brave and loving man that had the ability to connect to himself and the pain that he had inside. The beauty of his vulnerability was amazing and it was in these moments that I loved him most. Not because he was broken but because he broke through and let someone into that dark place and I felt he trusted me with this gift of seeing his deepest self. I felt in these moments his heart healing and hoped to have a future with him that could be both beautiful and peaceful. But then he would close the door to this pain and to me and to his beautiful heart. And eventually he slipped away to become who he wanted to be and that part of him that I saw was gone. He now has someone new who may or may not be a part of this person inside but I remember that the water will bring him joy as it always does and summer will create distraction as will the moment he has with this beautiful woman. I hope it is enough but fear that the deep and dark places inside of him will get restless and they will want to be heard again. But in this moment I am healing my heart, this very full heart. And the love I shared is still within me and the ability to love again will come.....of that I am sure. So as I forgive and move forward I am reminded of that line from one of my favorite Rumi poems......
"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there."
So that is where I will meet this man someday and tell him that he is still loved. So this is a different happy ending. The type of happy ending that leaves the door open in my heart to love and be loved, to be cherished and to cherish. To see the best in myself and the worst and to be at peace with both sides and be whole again. This was the gift of his opening up to me and his closing as well.......and I am grateful for all of it.
May the blessings of nature and her beauty be with you this day and always when ever you need it whether you are blissfully happy or are feeling devastated and lonely. Love to all of you!!
My heart feels like it has been through a trial that I am not totally sure I exactly comprehend and may not until the next lifetime. People talk about Soulmates and Twin Flames as if it is just another psychological phenomenon as if it is some strange new species of insect someone has just discovered and should be inspected but not really seen close up or even in person. The abstract and somewhat clinical writings telling us how wonderful and awe-ful these connections can be really don't match the actual experience. The experience is both transcendent and acutely painful when one soul is backing away and exiting as frequently as they engage. When one heart has been hurt from life experiences no one should ever have to experience and has lost all hope or trust in love or their heart the result is devastating to both halves of the one soul. And yet the pain experienced by the one is felt by both and when one is trying desperately to heal the other by opening up their entire soul to the other and the result is less than a triumph and more like a crash and burn both souls are left with a damage unimaginable. Life becomes a series of tasks and things to do each day that keep the body alive but the soul is quiet, bereft of any happiness that previously existed. The wrenching apart of Twin Souls, that were originally one Soul, feels much like losing an arm or a leg. You know you use to have this beautiful and amazing appendage and it served you well and made life easier by it's very presence and felt like a part of you that was always there and when it is gone everything seems to be more difficult to do and much less appealing. When life hands you these extraordinary love experiences, you think to yourself "Oh I can handle anything!! I got this and whatever life throws at me.....I have my one and only love, anything is possible". But when one half of the Twin Soul decides they don't want to see it and denies the very existence of this very profound connection mainly because they never fully let themselves feel it or see the beauty in it. When they see only obstacles in the way of being together because they are afraid of letting themselves feel again and enjoy this connection. When they feel they do not deserve happiness because of their past, that what they have done does not warrant a happy life they walk through their lives as if they are Sisyphus rolling his boulder up the hill. And their very breath becomes a task not a joy and they look for things to not work out because after all that is exactly what they deserve. So they create a life full of difficulty and sadness. When a soul has been darkened by loss and tragedy it is difficult to just stay on the planet. And when the other soul is full of light and positivity and hope but is constantly told that life is nothing but hard and lonely and sad by the other soul eventually this drives away the other soul who's light has been dimmed and is slowly flickering and threatening to go out. When this happens both halves or the 2 souls that make up the halves of the Twin Soul connection feel the loss of what could have been the best part of this life. And the tragic past experienced of the one is now the barometer of happiness for both creating continued sadness. So walking away for the one soul before their light goes completely out is a necessary choice of survival to continue their mission here on the planet. And since this is my story I am telling out loud I will continue to get up everyday and move with as much grace as I can to stay true to my mission. The mission to continue to guide and help people even if the one that I would give anything to help and heal was my biggest failure I must continue to not give up hope on everyone else. And perhaps holding a vision of loving light and healing space for my love from a distance, that this profound connection which brought me moments of incredible joy in a beautiful city by the sea will find forgiveness for himself and although he will not forget what happened perhaps he can allow himself the opportunity for some happiness and joy. This is what I pray for and will always ask the Angles to help him with and never leave his side until he can be at peace.
So as the days turn warmer and the sun shines and then sets each day and time passes I know I will feel my breathing less labored and the dull ache in my heart a little less pronounced. I know that joy will find me again and my light will become strong again and bright and the reflection in my eyes will not be quite so dark and heavy. I feel as if I have been opened wide like that night so many years ago. And like that time after I feel it is time again to close the door for awhile on sharing my life. Perhaps I am just supposed to experience my own love within without the reflection of this love in the eyes of my Twin Flame. And while this love was sometimes acutely painful, the joy and love experienced will always be worth the pain. The recognition in his eyes of who I am to him will always be remembered, all the times we read each others minds and the ability to continue to speak to him without any use of technology will always be the proof of this connection and we will always have next time, the lifetime after this or the one after that. We will be together someday I know this to be true in the depths of my soul. We will have another lifetime to greet each other and get to know each other all over again. And like the song "I'll be seeing you" by Billie Holiday, "I will find you in the morning sun and when the night is new, I will be looking at the moon, but I will be seeing you......"
So to all of you who have experienced this profound love and if you have been lucky enough to keep it in your life I am profoundly happy for you and wish you continued joy! And as I trust in the the power that exits in all things I know that all is well and this too shall shift and change to become a beautiful sun filled day.
Love and blessings to all of you.
I am an intuitive Body, Mind, & Soul Mentor. Helping people become more in tune with the themselves and their spiritual guides resulting in clarity and awareness of the Divine that lives within!